Ray D Shosay's Journal

KGB

2012-01-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

I have, of course, become aware that it is no longer New Year's Day but rather the day after that day. My only excuse is that I don't think there is really that much to differentiate the two and, through my eyes, they are indistinguishable.

I spent New Year's Eve in Le Bar where I had a heart-to-heart with a Ukrainian who claimed to be Russian--what is it with these ex-KGB/SBU guys?--and enjoying more than a few glasses of The Widow with a favorite single malt Scotch as a chaser. What caught my attention was his elegant Patek-Philippe Calatrava on a strap. As a true narcissist, he failed to notice my 5004J, but I was rather counting on that and would have been disconcerted if he had.

Somewhere toward the end of the evening, my friend disappeared to the consternation of his entourage. Ex-KGB/SBU mafia types aren't supposed to go off the map like that and one vocal party was speculating he had been the object of an extraordinary rendition of some sort. I suspected that he was more likely to be suffering from a slight case of indigestion (local slang for multiple abdominal stabbings) and that he would be right as rain in the morning--which never came if my own personal experience is anything to go by.

Ivan's mistake--I'll refer to him here as Ivan--was to allow himself to be photographed in public with me and a few other notables present on the scene. A Patek-Philippe on a strap may be low-key relative to a gold Rolex Cosmograph Daytona but having yourself photographed with strangers in the bar of the Georges V on New Year's Eve is beyond the pale and his comeuppance was a certainty in anyone's book.

It is a new year but, apparently, old habits die hard. He did have a nice watch though.

Hollywood lunch

2011-12-06T19:35:00.000-08:00

I was treated to lunch at a café terrasse with a fellow who sat down and talked about himself in glowing terms for an hour and a half. I can't tell you how delighted I was to get away from him and his dim-bulb view of Hollywood--be it here or there--and his plaintive refrain that he needed millions of dollars to launch a slate of films that would make his career as well as millions for the investor though he professed to know nothing about marketing or who might want to see these proposed films in terms of market segments or demographics. He presumed that the investor had millions not understanding that a more likely scenario would be an investor whose funds were borrowed and was not looking to indulge in a spending spree. Rather than talking about his vague ideas that would become the foundation for the slate of films yet to be written into screenplay form, the fellow should have been talking in definitive terms about repatriation of funds, return on investment with emphasis on the potential for laundering large sums of money. Instead, he kept reiterating that he could get the budgets lower, if necessary.

It is easy for outsiders to view a modern movie studio as a Disneyland for filmmakers. A Las Vegas casino--wherein every single game is engineered to ensure that you lose and the house wins--is a more apt analogy. What is known as 'the Skim' in 'Vegas is the differential between the wholesale and retail budgets in Hollywood. Only the retail figures are released which explains why movies that never made any money are approaching double-digit sequels.

I almost said something to this fellow--nothing meaningful, relevant or even informative--but I had determined not to speak until he stopped talking and that never happened. Finally, I got up and made my way to the WC and never found my way back to the table.

I believe I need to re-think my decision to get out of the hotel from time to time. I really see nothing to be gained by it at all.

Personal Branding: Plight of the "Living Dead"

2011-11-29T13:05:00.000-08:00

The concept of personal branding has expanded far beyond amplifying the careers of actors, entertainers, sports figures, politicians and the reprehensible personalities that populate various "reality" television shows. It evolved into the brand management of public figures who had passed on but still had products to be marketed to a loyal audience. Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, Fred Astaire, Steve McQueen and even Albert Einstein fall into this category and often posthumous licensing revenues can exceed those earned while the celebrities in question were alive.

The most challenging form of personal branding, however, involves brand management of the "Living Dead" which is to say that the client--usually an agency of the Intelligence community--wishes to plunder or make use of the assets of an individual who has become troublesome, downright uncooperative or too valuable an opportunity to ignore. It is of primary importance that the public believe that the client's subject is alive and well in spite of having passed away owing to expedience, error or--in the least likely scenario--natural causes.

Step One is to dis-associate all who have been directly connected to the target--I mean subject. Family, friends and work associates must be re-directed and all contact with the subject must be cut off. This can be accomplished in a number of ways, the least sophisticated but very effective method being imprisonment. A limited coterie of new friends/associates/confidants--be they fictional or real--must take the place of these former intimates of the subject and serve as liaisons between the subject and the general population thus providing the public with the impression that the subject is alive and condoning all that is happening with his or her assets.

Step Two is to create a denigrating controversy surrounding the subject. Hold him or her up to ridicule or scorn so as to cut the public's interest in the subject. We call this clearing the area which serves to keep the fans away. It also helps to discount any rumors that the client would ever have an interest in such a disgraced individual.

Step Three is to maintain the brand with updated press releases and pronouncements from the subject via the liaisons in order to explain and/or justify the new and strange use of subject's assets.

Step Four is to replace any real liaisons with fictional liaisons to minimize catastrophic leaks. This can be accomplished by applying this protocol to real liaisons who are no longer viable.

Step Five is to announce the demise of the subject after the immediate objectives of the brand have been realized and, advisedly, before the subject attains his or her 119th birthday leaving the now all fictional coterie in place to continue operations into the future.

In branding, as with catering, one must know what to do with one's left-overs.

Police riots

2011-11-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

Inasmuch as the police are rioting and revolting against the people, I am beginning to wonder if the time isn't ripe for Dubai to play its hand. I am of the belief that Dubai was intended as a safe haven in the event of an economic apocalypse where the world's richest could escape the rioting, dispossessed masses--in other words, you and me--and where they could wait out the anarchy comfortably in a secure environment.

That the anarchy is being perpetrated by police agencies in various cities does not preclude the fact that they could turn on the rich as easily as they have on those other people. Anger and aggression fails, more often than not, to discern and discriminate hence the term innocent bystander came into being. It wouldn't be the first time that the gardener took over the household (See: The American Civil War (1861–1865) whereby Washington DC defeated the States).

It may only be a matter of time before the anarchists come to the realization that there is more to be gained by aiming their aggression at rich folks rather than the peaceful, out-of-work victims of gross financial thievery they are currently attacking. Those who have enjoyed the experience of having their own ferocious guard dog turn on them can confirm that "This isn't what we had in mind" is not a sentiment that soothes the wounds.

Occupy Wall Street

2011-10-29T13:27:00.001-07:00

URGENT: Immediate reply requested

Mr. Shosay,

In the event that news stories concerning certain radical and disconnected groups which inexplicably have been receiving an inordinate amount of attention should cause an antipathy towards this institution and banking resulting in falling share prices and/or regulatory/legal action against us, we are asking for your suggestions on re-branding our institution and products as a per-emptive measure.

Money is no object but time is of the essence.

Regards,
[name deleted]
[corporate name deleted]

[name deleted]
[corporate name deleted]

Dear Mr. [name deleted]:

Thank you for the direct deposit into my account pursuant to our phone conversation. The following are my suggestions.

Slogan: Debt is the new wealth!

Institutional re-brand: Debt Distribution Center (replacing the nomenclature "bank")

Customer admonition: If you can live on what you earn, you aren't in America! (Any country can be substituted as necessary)

Per your concerns regarding terms and conditions and disclosure statements, I see no need to obscure them further as it is my observation that your customers do not read them or understand the significance of the language presented therein nor their voluntary abrogation of rights or they never would have signed them. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

I would encourage you to order the politicians on your payroll to implement new programs to keep your customers in debt to you. The current crop of 'Keep you in your home' offerings aren't performing to expectation and many mortgage holders are walking away leaving you with no leverage over them.

Increase your advertising on television--especially shows that feature a laugh track (increased hypnotic quotient) or any reality TV format show.

Demand that politicians on your payroll cease and desist from extolling the rights of people in Egypt, Libya and other countries to protest. This raises awkward questions as to why they are not supporting the protests of those in America speaking against you and your industry.

Best regards,
Ray D Shosay

Louis Vuitton

2011-07-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

She arrived last night with a baise-en-ville big enough to hold wardrobe for the entire cast of the upcoming production of Salomé at the Opéra National de Paris. She does not know half-measures. Neither does she know me as she says I need change. I think I have changed though not necessarily for the better. I made it all the way to Fouquet's on foot the other day but I'm not certain this is an improvement on using the hotel's chauffeured Mercedes. Time will tell.

Yesterday, a fellow offered to buy Oscar, my Ferrari 599. I told him I still needed a few more near-death experiences with the car to be able to complete my memoirs for which my publisher is importuning me to see a manuscript. They are also asking me to change the title from "The Worst Happened, Then We Moved On" to "The Worst Happened, Then I Moved On", but since others were involved in varying degrees I thought they should be acknowledged in the title, at least, if not in the book itself.

My iPhone coach seems to believe only a few of my voice mails were hacked during the period spoken of in the press and publication of these would land only The Chad (my agent) in jail, which is where he currently finds himself in matters unrelated so apparently there's no harm. This is certainly cause for celebration and I believe I'll take She to dinner downstairs at Le Cinq.

DSK

2011-07-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

If one true thing can be gleaned from the DSK episode it is that it pays to hire good writers. I suppose the second meaningful lesson is that one should do the re-writes before releasing the story to the public.

Whether or not DSK is a fan of Steve McQueen is not known. What is clear, however, is that DSK followed McQueen's on-screen example. Steve knew that the others do the talking and the star reacts. The opposing party in the instant case did not know this and, to some extent, was obligated to talk inasmuch as she filed the complaint. One cannot file an accusation and tell the police "I'll get back to you" when they ask for specifics. Thus, the story went out before a story conference could be convened and the subsequent re-writes are working against rather than in favor of the production.

Civil proceedings are always about money and never about justice. A judge cannot award justice but he or she can award damages that are financial in nature. The best one can hope for in a modern criminal courtroom is procedure and if that doesn't send a shiver up your spine, nothing ever will.

Hollywood has taught us many things and much of the current unpleasantness could have been avoided if either of the parties had seen a movie or two. In fact, I have a short list for both of them though they feature different titles. My advice to anyone wishing to chart an easier course through life would be to see good films and stop typing with your thumbs.

Hôtel Georges V

2011-05-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

I find myself becoming more and more reclusive spending most of my time in my (junior) suite and venturing only as far as Le Bar, La Galerie or Le Cinq when I do leave the confines of my sanctum sanctorum. Reasons to go forth from the hotel are becoming harder to reconcile and it is evident to me that I am living in the very center of the universe where everything and everyone will present themselves in due time and elegant proportion.

This is not a Howard Hughes scenario where dark forces have done away with me so as to make use of my assets or reputation. Those people always circulate discrediting rumors when they’ve gotten rid of some recalcitrant nuisance and are keeping them ‘alive’ for the purpose of cover. You haven’t heard stories of me growing ten-inch fingernails or watching Ice Station Zebra forty-seven times a day though a female companion once took to watching Hitch a few hundred times a week on pay-per-view to the extent that the cable company called to inquire if there was a malfunction with the system. I assured them that the malfunction, to use their term, could be found elsewhere in the household. They of the dark side always like to trivialize and ridicule those they have dispensed with whilst helping themselves to whatever their ravenous appetite craves. This is a long standing pattern of behavior obvious to anyone who is the least bit observant and in possession of a prehensile mind.

I do not suggest that the Georges V is the best hotel in the world--merely that it is the only one.

Used cars

2011-05-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

Lately I have seen interest in classic and exotic cars revive after what we will politely refer to as the recent economic downturn. That's not to say that everyone has funds sufficient to buy a Ferrari GTO or 412P or even a Berlinetta Lusso for that matter. Cars that you've owned and swore to yourself you'd never drive again are starting to fetch stellar sums of money which is a clear warning that a bubble is reforming for an upcoming burst that no one could possibly have forseen like every other bubble that ever was.

The trick in car collecting--also known as flipping for profit which you affect not to need--is in acquiring a car with provenance and chain-of-snobbery intact. A friend of mine owned a Ferrari that previously belonged to Françoise Sagan, a fact that increased its value. Someone else owned something that had been Steve McQueen's at one time resulting in a valuation at least double that of a similar car owned by some other guy somewhere. It explains why a friend of mine engraved an inscription from Mr. Rolls to Mr. Royce on a silver hip flask--"Dude, epic party!" or some similar sentiment thereby rendering the cost of silver a moot consideration in the sale price of the item.

All this is neither here nor there unless you are the first to realize that a celebrity connection exists with the car you are flipping. I mean collecting. If the party who is selling the car to you knows that it had been owned by Eric Clapton, the Shah of Iran or Porfirio Rubirosa, you are going to pay the price for it and then where is your profit margin? The essential is to find a car whose buyer is completely unaware of the car's history and therefore willing to sell it to you for three back of book.

The best approach for anyone seeking to purchase a car prior to establishing its celebrity provenance would be to visit a rental car agency's sell-off department and acquire the most expensive offering they have with the assurance that, at some point, a celebrity drove the car and you should now be able to flip it for a sum exceeding what you paid for it.

Movie producers

2011-04-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Once in awhile, something so jawdroppingly extraordinary happens to underscore the fact that anyone can consider themselves a movie producer notwithstanding the fact that they have never produced anything or gone through the motions of learning the trade, craft or black magic that it is. The fact of being in the proximity of those who have taken action in these areas is sufficient for these folks to present themselves as players in the game knowing not the first thing about movie business protocol and convention or, often as not, the basic etiquette of social intercourse to further aggravate the situation.

To learn the art of producing, one must read copiously selecting from a menu of subjects including marketing, literature, art, mathematics (it helps to know that one plus one equals two in understanding when and how to break that rule), horse racing, Las Vegas odds-making and whatever else you can get a grasp of as a practical application. It really does help, however, to actually produce a movie for nothing else lets you know what it is that you don't know about the subject than doing the deed.

As an aid to those who don't know what they are doing and so that they can carry on their pose a little longer, I offer a few rules that may be of assistance.

1) The old business adage that if you look around the room and don't see a sucker you are "it" goes double in Hollywood. The top producers in the movie business didn't get where they are by giving a sucker an even break.

2) W.C. Fields' motto, "Never give a sucker an even break and never wise up a chump" should be repeated here for cautionary emphasis.

3) When you are the one asking for something, it is you who pays for the lunch.

4) When it is you pitching a project to someone who can fund it, it is you who pays for the lunch.

5) When anyone who has actually made a movie agrees to meet you for lunch, it is you who pays for the lunch.

6) When one of the movie industry "grown-ups" pays for your lunch it can mean one of two things: He/she likes the project you pitched or he/she does not like the project you pitched. In the latter instance, paying for lunch means he/she has absolved himself/herself of any further obligation to take your phone calls or answer your emails.

7) When trying to raise money for a project, learn the difference between buying a property that someone actually owns and having the opportunity to cash someone out of their option as it is about to expire (See 1 & 2 above).

8) Know that posing as a movie producer when you have never done it before is not as dangerous as posing as a thoracic surgeon but it can be just as embarrassing when push comes to shove.

9) In the movie business, push always comes to shove.

10) There's no business like show business (and be aware that the consequences of this truth are wide-ranging and far-reaching.

Mouammar Kadhafi

2011-04-02T19:05:00.000-07:00

I read with interest about Mouammar Kadhafi's elite personal guard of women--Amazons, to quote Le Figaro--who have acted as a human shield for the dictateur sanguinaire. Whether he was inspired by Hugh Hefner's antics or possibly those of Porfirio Rubirosa we'll never know, however, it would clearly take a very special sort of assasin to launch an attack into that entourage.

We'll see if other world leaders grasp the brilliance of the Libyan mad man's tactics or that, possibly, they have come to accept that most assassinations are brought upon the martyr by elements of his own intelligence organizations therefore rendering extraordinary precautions moot.

Happy birthday, Clotilde!

TILL WE RECEIVES THE FUND

2011-03-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

Submitted without comment:

From: John Douglas (johndouglas1@voila.fr)
Sent: Fri 3/11/11 5:18 PM

Dear Friend,

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however,it's just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction. I am a banker by profession from Burkina faso in west Africa and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting unit of the bank.I have the opportunity of transfering the left over funds ($15.5 million) of one of my bank clients who died along with his entire family on december 2003 in a plane crash. Hence,i am inviting you for a business deal where by this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 60/40 and 60 for me while 40 is for you .

If you agree to my business proposal.further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your return mail. have a great day. Yours Faithfully MR.JOHN DOUGLAS NB, MAKE SURE YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION AS YOUR TOP SECRECT AND MAKE IT CONFIDENTIAL TILL WE RECEIVES THE FUND INTO THE ACCOUNT THAT YOU WILL PROVIDE TO THE BANK. DONT DISCLOSE IT TO ANY BODY IN YOUR COUNTRY "PLEASE", BECAUSE THE SECRECY OF THIS TRANSACTION IS AS WELL AS THE SUCCESS
OF IT.

BEST REGARDS
MR.JOHN DOUGLAS

[Check your inbox, John]

Ségolène Royal

2010-11-29T18:03:00.001-08:00

Well, here comes Ségolène Royal again with her vapid smile as begging bowl. It didn't fool anyone last time and now we all know how that story ends. I confess I have never enjoyed soap operas and would be loath to watch one once let alone twice and I doubt, if this election had the standing of a real soap opera, that advertisers could be drawn to the project. It is said that her candidature has divided the party and ended a period of unity. Nevertheless, here we go again.

Whilst we are on the subject, an article in Le Figaro claims "Mice rejuvenated in laboratory" writing that "The experience makes one immediately think about the story of Benjamin Button, the hero of Fitzgerald, born old and growing younger with time." How and if this will benefit the candidate is anyone's guess but I somehow imagine that this would not be an odds enhancer.

What I can say with certainty is that if Picasso gifted me two hundred and seventy-one of his works, I would not have kept them in my garage for forty years. Where I would have put them is open to discussion but, since at no time was I ever Pablo's electrician, it remains idle speculation best pondered over a bottle of the Widow.

Air Sarko One

2010-11-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

As you might expect, I am patiently awaiting my invitation to fly aboard Air Sarko One, the Airbus A330-200 acquired from Air Caraïbes to be the presidential plane. I don't mind being overlooked for the trip to South Korea as it would have been unlikely I could have slipped away and across the 38th parallel to get Kim Jong-il to sign my DVD of Team America. I shall be less understanding if the next flight is to Dubai or, for that matter, Nice.

It is good to know that €176 million can still buy the sort of conveyance that makes traveling tolerable in a time when most airlines treat passengers as though they were condemned prisoners in a maximum security facility. It is all part of the French government's austerity drive and I commend their restraint in buying d'occasion in this instance avoiding the temptation to get that 'new plane smell' that is so seductive.

This puts to shame the G5s that I have been known to frequent and I must say that even a used A330-200 trumps a new G5 in my book any day. Too bad about the full bath though. It would have been nice to have a hot, candle-lit soak with cabinet level filles sympas but, all things considered, the flood-proof hip bath is a sensible alternative to shorting out all the electrical circuits in heavy turbulence at forty thousand feet.

Perhaps I'll see you on the plane.

Le Bar au Georges V

2010-10-14T17:06:00.001-07:00

It occurs to me that the art of staring into space is undervalued by the general population and almost entirely ignored in the academic world where there exists no instruction whatsoever in its practical application in spite of the fact that it is an essential and signature skill for philosophers and writers of every stripe. Sadly, large corporations see no need for philosophy and writers are diminished in their role to that of propagandists though they retain the misleading job title of writer.

Earlier, I sat at a café terrasse for almost three hours most of which were spent staring indiscriminately at various things and people with interstitial asides to the waiter who kept my glass--and later my cup--topped. I find that the time was well spent and I must confess that I experienced one revelation after another whilst in the throes of this exercise. I value it as highly as an hour spent in the gym having more long-lasting results if personal experience is anything to go by.

It is a great reflection on the French that no one objected to or attempted interruption of my activity and I highly recommend that anyone reading this commit to spending more time with their own thoughts as an alternative to the thoughts being constantly downloaded from others via one evil media source or another.

This should not be taken as an instruction to ignore the commercial messages of our sponsor and looking into the pre-green batch furnace offerings of ACME Industrial Blast Furnaces can only reward the inquisitive. For my part, I'm going down to Le Bar and stare at the folks I find there.

Constance Meyer: secret love of Gainsbourg

2010-10-10T20:20:00.000-07:00

They say the best writing is done by hungry writers and, as I've skipped lunch, I thought I would take pen in hand and put some stick about. Whether it is harder to love than be loved is a question for the ages. Hollywood says one thing but the divorce rate says quite another. What I do know is that if the cost of being loved is having a book written about you, the price might be too high by half. If every fille sympa who ever slipped a note under my door took to advertising the follow-up, I might be obliged to change my hotel room if not my hotel. With four pianos, Serge had a tougher time of it.

I have had the privilege d'être côtoyé on more than a few occasions and I can tell you that I have remained the soul of discretion (if we don't count that episode with Désespérée) not that I expect such decorum on my part to immunize me against whomsoever writing whatsoever. It could be said that waiting twenty-five years to let the cat out of the bag was a public service but some among us feel she should have heeded the words of one Sidney Falco when he observed that, "The cat's in the bag and the bag's in the river" before inflicting her book-- La jeune fille et Gainsbourg--upon the world. Alas, we live in different times and woe is us.

I was going to dine downstairs but, on second thought, I think I'll head over to Les Deux Magots and drop in afterward at La Hune to see if they have her book.

Bruichladdich

2010-10-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

Pierre Salinger once explained that he liked writing fiction because it was the only time he could tell the truth. This from the press secretary for JFK is a reminder to all of us that we had best not believe anything we read, much less anything we see. It was ever thus but mind control has become a state of the art signature skill amongst the most improbable people not to mention the obvious scoundrels many of whom I've worked for from time to time. Like the laugh track on a dreadfully unfunny sit-com, the six o'clock news is meant to give viewers the idea that what they just saw is one thing and not some other thing entirely. I must say, they are pretty good at it. Just ask anyone what happened today and they'll tell you what they heard on the news. It doesn't get any better than that, I can tell you.

There is a trick to writing fiction that must pass for truth. To begin with, and strangely enough, it must not be too believable. There must be inexplicable inconsistencies that defy logic and will stimulate vitriolic arguments about its veracity. This is in accordance with the rule of divide and conquer--one nullifies those elements that might otherwise unite to rise up against you and upset your game--and, additionally, is a nod to the fact that most human souls dislike confrontation, finding it ugly, and will shy away from the subject simply to avoid unpleasantness. Understanding the foregoing, one can sell anything for truth and not an hour goes by that such sales aren't consummated on a wholesale basis at market prices.

All this comes to mind because I have been asked to write a legend/true story of what happened to someone. It is not your typical 'based on a true story' which is industry speak for 'fiction' and is always accepted as nothing but lies. No, I've been asked to create truth and that means I have to start an argument--the bigger the better. I'm just not sure I feel like it. I'd much rather go downstairs and share some convivial conversation and a Bruichladdich with whomsoever I find in the bar.

What to do?

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps

2010-09-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was moved by the importuning of people I hardly know to leave my (junior) suite for the purpose of filling a room at a screening of Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. What convinced me to go was the memory of Michael Douglas' performance in the original, Wall Street: A Fool and his Money Were Lucky Enough to Get Together in the First Place. The original film was a tour de force offering that I have revisited many times over the years. I expected no less from the sequel. What I got was a combination of three films--a chick flick with two very annoying principals, a superficial documentary about the derivative disaster with very obvious things being overstated by some fine actors and, finally, a charismatic turn by Michael Douglas.

Michael's character kept disappearing from the film for half hours at a time and I was left to party with people I never heard of much less cared for. I came to see the continuing saga of Gordon Gekko and was short-changed, which is not so unusual when Hollywood is the cashier. It would be like doing a sequel to Apocalypse Now and setting it in Des Moines (which is not to say that isn't where the action continued). On the other hand, it was great if you'd never seen a movie before.

I avoided the after party and sneaked off to Fouquet's where an honest working man can still get a bite to eat for under a thousand euros.

Le Figaro à la une

2010-09-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

Is it my imagination or is Ségolène Royal still sporting that disconnected smile which proclaims elle n'a rien compris that cost her the election when she ran--stumbled--against Sarko?

A boat of militants left Cyprus for Gaza. Reminds me of my youth when the circus came to town.

Le livre de la Jungle (Même le silence a une fin) de Ingrid Betancourt--not Disney's Jungle Book, but one well worth reading.

Bernanke defends economists. Trapped like a rat in the biggest con game ever invented, what choice does he have?

The transgenic salmon on the hot seat in the U.S. And yet, every day, people eat McDonald's without a qualm...

The Serengeti threatened by a road project. Nothing wrong with the world that the Teamsters can't put right!

The state should extend assistance to the press. Yes! Please forward all assistance to room 743 here at the hotel.

France Television: Coping to maintain advertising during the day. Somebody has to do the job of drilling corporate messages into our skulls. Why not television? Some people act as though television was invented to pump the truth into our homes!

The French are more proud their trains than the Germans. This may be the tipping point...

Room service at the Hôtel Georges V

2010-08-04T14:21:00.001-07:00

Last night I dreamed I was going 225KPH in my Ferrari 599GTB (aka Oscar) on the Périphérique at four in the morning. I woke to find that I was only doing 215KPH but that I was about to miss my turn-off for Charles de Gaulle. A lightening response on my part put me onto the transition and all was well again. It isn't often I meet people at the airport and even less common that I do so in the early morning hours but this was a case of do or die. A fille sympa had been kicked off a G5 half way from London to Nice and mine was the only number in Paris she knew by heart. Mine must be an easy one to recall though I confess to having trouble remembering it from time to time.

I found her in the terminal sleeping on a bench with her pieds maquillés and chignon décoiffé using a large cotton sack--marked Ritz London laundry--full of Louboutins as a pillow. Her friend with the G5 had refused to open the luggage bay so she was obliged to leave her bags on the plane. The shoe sack was carry-on she said explaining that with the right shoes a woman can go anywhere and that's exactly where she wanted me to take her--the baisodromes of Paris.

Once in the car rolling back towards Paris at 220KPH, I advised her that anyone still looking for happiness at five in the morning faces a very low order of probability in finding it and that we might leave a tour of the baisodromes for another time. She nodded her acquiescence and fell asleep for the rest of the ride. I began to wonder if I'd given the right advice.

Entering my (junior) suite, she pounced on the phone and ordered oxygen from room service, which arrived quicker than usual as they assumed some kind of medical emergency was in progress. The very nice fellow waited patiently while she and I used the buddy system with the oxygen tank that he carried in a sort of emergency backpack. This boosted our energy as well as our appetites and, after handing a generous tip to the lad who now had to refill his oxygen tank for someone who might really need it, we ordered bacon & eggs, Champagne, carafes of orange juice, a basket of croissants, yogurt and a side order of lunch to obviate the need to call down again later.

I don't remember what time we finally got to sleep but it was after the owner of the G5 called her with a weeping apology and asking if he could come for her. "Tell him to land his plane on the Champs-Elysées. That would do Lelouch one better" but she wasn't into conversing with him.

At three in the afternoon, I was awakened by a call from the police telling me that my Ferrari was blocking traffic at Charles de Gaulle and had been towed. As I wondered if last night had been nothing but a bad dream, the caller wanted to know if the sack of women's shoes that were found in the car belonged to me. They do now, I told him.

It had been a bad dream after all.

Drill, baby, drill!

2010-06-01T18:28:00.000-07:00

Uh-huh

Cannes 2010

2010-05-19T05:34:00.001-07:00

I've had both good and bad experiences at the Cannes festival--last year I had to listen to someone's incessant anecdotes about working in a video store as the price for a ride down on the G5--but this year takes the cake. I find very few reasons to leave my (junior) suite but the festival can usually be counted as one of them and so it was that I made my way to a villa in Cap d'Antibes where I enjoyed a reasonable degree of seclusion from this, that and the other thing until I was convinced, against my better judgment, to attend a party on someone's yacht.

In spite of the hour, I knew I'd arrived early as the starlets still had their clothes on which meant that I would be required to make conversation with people until I could effect my exit once the official jambes en l'air got underway. It wasn't long before I was braced by a representative of the Turkmenistan film commission who importuned me about locating my next film production in his country. He showed me pictures of dungeons and modern torture facilities that he could place at my disposition complete with ex-KGB staff who could serve as technical advisors in addition to providing security for the production. I made the mistake of making what was taken for an expression of approval and, the next thing I knew, I was being hustled into the helicopter perched on the stern of the yacht and we went airborne in the direction of the local landing strip. Since my escort--not the film commission rep--spoke no English and sported a side-arm of considerable caliber, I allowed myself to be bustled onto a small jet bearing military markings which took off without awaiting clearance from whomever might have been authorized to give it.

It has been a long, long time since I have enjoyed such vast quantities of Beluga caviar and the Champagne that was laid on was without equal. It is probably one of the few times such offerings were served up in the rooms that I visited and I can only imagine what the previous guests were provided during their stay. I wonder if they, too, were offered such attractive tax incentives and service facility discounts, but I suppose we'll never know. By the end of the evening, which was actually the next afternoon, I was returned via ambulance to the military jet and whisked back to Cannes. Later, I loitered in the bar at the Hôtel du Cap and attempted to sell my newly acquired shares in the Turkmenistan film consortium to anyone who would take them.

I may think twice about attending next year.

I am a foreign investor and...

2010-04-27T10:22:00.001-07:00

Received today:

Dear Friend,

I am a foreign investor and I want to invest in your country in any profitable business / investment that will profit me and you. I want to invest in any business venture or Investment that you can handle either as my Investment Manager or Partner (Partnership) in your country. Kindly get back to me with your telephone number so I can call you and discuss further about this with you. Kindly reach me / respond to me via my e-mail: frankhamilt@hotmail.com

Mr. Frank
dvillegas@upvm.edu.mx

Dear Mr. Frank,

I cannot adequately express the joy with which I received your email. That you would select me for this honor has truly touched me. Unfortunately, it has been proven time and again that I am incapable of handling money in a responsible manner and any such commission from you would put us all into financial peril including some legal liabilities that don't bear mentioning though I imagine you can imagine what I mean by this.

There is also the point to be made that my country might not merit further investment by you or anyone else at this time. I would, however, be interested in acquiring the title of 'Investment Manager or Partner (Partnership)' as you suggest. This would impress me, if not my friends, though I think 'Premier Manager of the Investment Partnership' has an undercurrent that I rather like.

Please advise soonest.

Your new friend,
Ray D Shosay

Secret torture prison revealed in Baghdad

2010-04-19T16:23:00.000-07:00

In the Los Angeles Times today, the headline read:

Iraqis Ran Torture Prison

"Hundreds of Sunni men disappeared for months into a secret Baghdad prison under the jurisdiction of Prime Minister Nouri Maliki's military office, where many were routinely tortured until the country's Human Rights Ministry gained access to the facility, Iraqi officials say."

I remember a time when the United States government would have had the moral authority to chastise the torturers. Today, they'll likely be invited to dinner with Dick Cheney and a few others. Welcome to the club fellas! We're all in it together--right up to our necks!

Georges Brassens

2010-04-14T14:49:00.001-07:00

The quote of the day from Le Figaro is "Sans technique, le talent n'est rien qu'une sale manie." ("Without technique, talent is nothing but a dirty habit.") Georges Brassens

I think what he meant to say was that without dirty habits, there would be no art (with or without technique).

Bahrain Grand Prix

2010-03-18T14:32:00.000-07:00

I'm still reflecting on the Bahrain Grand Prix and having trouble figuring out if I actually saw the race or if it was an extended parade lap with some sort of celebration at the end. I never had this problem before and I've been going to Formula 1 races since before I was born so it may just be owing to the fact that I'd been up for several days without rest--yes Désespérée returned if only for those few days--and perception has not been my strong suit as a result, if you get my drift and I think you do.

Nevertheless, I've come to expect more gusto and brio with regard to sporting events in which I, myself, am not directly participating and it seems to me that something needs to be done. I'm writing to Bernie suggesting we get all the usual pop and rock stars together again and sing a song for F1 that can be simulcast around the world. There are many ways to make the world a better place, but this seems to be the method preferred by insufferable media creatures and their accountants five-to-one. It may just salvage what remains of the Formula 1 season, if it's not already too late.

Jean Cocteau

2010-03-09T13:44:00.001-08:00

"Ce que le public te reproche, cultive-le : c'est toi." Jean Cocteau

Well now, there's a thought to get you started in the morning! Though algebra was never my strong suit, I think Jean was onto something and he knew a thing or two about a thing or two and I can see how spending an inordinate amount of time in Montparnasse would inevitably give birth to surrealism. My haunts are the hotel proper and the occasional foray to the Deux Magots where the regulars effect not to know me and I repay them in kind. No place for surrealism there, I can tell you. I do wonder, however, if Cocteau's quote was meant to include the timely payment of bills and other financial obligations (sic) or if he intended something less specific. In any event, what better way to tell others to sod off than with a quote from the great man? I'll use it on the next taxi driver who attempts to give me grief.

I stumbled onto the quote in Le Figaro today where I was looking in vain for a follow-up to Carla Bruni's bra-less appearance at some sort of state function. Would that I had been there. I would not have known of this wonderful occurrence had it not been for a discussion on a small social network to which I'd been invited and by which I remain transfixed. There seemed to be a division of opinion where those who were not French seemed horrified and those who were could not fathom the problem. Count me as French on this one. There is nothing wrong with the governments of this world that a few more bra-less First Ladies wouldn't fix.

Shutter Island

2010-02-20T16:55:00.000-08:00

I saw a screening of Shutter Island last night and I can honestly say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with the movie that having Martin Scorsese actually direct the movie wouldn't have cured.

Paris Match

2010-02-16T17:10:00.000-08:00

I've just spent an inordinate amount of time reading Un jour avec les people in the new issue of Paris Match and it drove home the point that spending more than a month holed up in my (junior) suite with the curtains drawn and all contact with the outside world cut off (with the exception of room service, of course) has not been the best use of my time. Never mind that these long days and nights have been spent in the company of a fille sympa who knows a thing or two and though I would not characterize her as a flesh-and-blood Encyclopedia Britannica, I must say my understanding and appreciation of people, and women in particular, has grown by leaps and bounds thanks to her.

As I sip my Bruichladdich, I am contemplating the idea to, once again, put myself about a bit and have some interchange with actual people. To that end, I'll reserve a table at Le Cinq just to experience the proximity of others. We'll see what all that entails.

The last time I experimented in this fashion, I witnessed the insufferable side-kick of a late-night TV host charge through the salon carrying his own luggage as though afraid someone might be chasing him for a tip. I had barely recovered from that demonstration when an agent from "Hollywood" invited himself to sit down at my table and pitch a thirty-six hour mini-series to star his client who should be out of prison within the year. Doesn't he know that's what Cannes is for?

As I start to remember what the real world is like, I am having second thoughts about leaving my quarters. Perhaps I'll re-read les people and then decide.

Jobs

2010-01-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

How to find a job in this economic tsunami is of no particular interest to me inasmuch as I've never had a job in my life. Writing screenplays, branding statements and political platforms on behalf of corporate clients and disinformation campaigns for entities that must be all-too-obvious may be a piece of work, but it's certainly no job. It's like growing up without any friends; the concept of peer pressure becomes moot and so, for me, is the concept of finding a job.

Therefore, I was somewhat intrigued when I met someone downstairs in Le Bar whose job it is to coach upper-level executives on finding their next corporate engagement in a time when four hundred thousand jobs a month are going down the tubes in the U.S. alone. He was an American (I was going to say 'fellow American' but see 'peer pressure' above) who has a clear vision of the current scene. I found his views interesting and topical. When his wife joined us, we moved our conversation to Le Cinq where we enjoyed a meal that all those looking for a job would have to do without.

I was eager to know what a job-transition-strategist/coach-to-premium-executives would recommend as an approach to career prolongation in this environment. He answered without hesitation, "Long term disability" with the optimum subheading: "Job stress related". It is my impression that he has a firm grasp of the current realities and I endorse his views without reservation.

"Seeing high-end executives sending out resumes in this climate," he said, "is like watching lemmings in a race to their mythic mass suicides." This, I thought, called for another bottle of the Widow.

Paris Match

2009-12-19T21:44:00.000-08:00

It is sad to read in Paris Match that two of my favorite people have come to a bad turning. Christophe Rocancourt and Catherine Breillat are having a petit contre-temps over the meager sum of 850,000 euros though it is well known to some that I will jump in for as little as $300,000, so I am not one to talk. Catherine has gone so far as to bestow upon him the nickname of le rauque or rat face, if you will. The charge she has leveled against him is Abus de faiblesse, a term which will feature prominently in all of my future litigation, to be sure.

Christophe claims that all this has to do with an advance for his participation in the director's upcoming film "Bad Love". How perfect is that?

Dubai

2009-12-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

I am told by a friend with wisdom beyond his means that Dubai was intended as a safe haven in the event of an economic apocalypse where the world's richest could escape the rioting, dispossessed masses--in other words, you and me--and where they could wait out the anarchy comfortably in a secure environment. A penthouse in Manhattan wouldn't do, as some of us--and I include myself--would figure a way to get to them through the elevator shaft and express our indignation, as you might well imagine. The 'Jump you F%*kers' placards that people displayed on Wall Street during the early days of the financial meltdown were but the thin edge of the wedge, if you see what I mean and I think you do.

So it is appealing to my appreciation of irony that Dubai finds itself upside-down in advance of the full-blown chaos it was intended to avoid. If Dubai doesn't get itself right-side-up, the world's richest will have to do some fence-mending with the have-nots, a diplomacy that, no doubt, goes against all their instincts if not their DNA.

Serious investors

2009-11-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

Seeking serious investors only for an entirely frivolous enterprise that will, no doubt, be recklessly mismanaged and proceed along lines that are unorthodox bordering on malfeasance. Minimum first tranche of $1M as earnest money is required with timely drawdown installments timed to my personal travel plans and the availability of a new Gulfstream currently on order. This will be a no-fault contract where Force Majeure will be defined as errors of judgment on my part. Excellent references are available but will not be tendered.

Please, no time wasters.

(That ought to do it)

Jenson Button

2009-11-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

I hear that Sir Jackie Stewart has advised Jenson Button to bring his Brawn talks to a close by agreeing to a deal now telling him, "The odd two or three million is neither here nor there."

I find myself saying this same thing more and more. The millions are neither here nor there and, believe me, I've looked thoroughly in both those places.

Nicolas Sarkozy on Twitter

2009-10-12T10:32:00.000-07:00

Following on the rigors of the jambes en l'air-a-thon that was my Fashion Week, I've resolved to focus on more sober and serious matters with the arrival of Le Figaro this morning (and yes, I prefer reading the actual paper rather than the on-line edition). In spite of this resolve, I am confronted with the news that the Elysee is establishing a Twitter account for Nicolas Sarkozy with which le chef de l'Etat can nous tenir au courant. I can just imagine the Tweets soon to be issuing forth:

« Il me prend pour un con, celui-là ! » (This guy takes me for a *%#!)

« Il y a du monde au balcon ! » (I admire her position!)

« Va te faire foutre ! » (Isn't there somewhere else you would rather be?)

« Où sont les filles ? » (We must give women's issues their due.)

« Tu me prends la tête pour rien ! » (It's always a pleasure to discourse with you!)

I think this is a good thing and look forward to seeing where it might lead. Wouldn't it have been insightful if leaders from d'autre fois could have apprised us of their thoughts as they occurred? Imagine Twitter in the hands of George Patton, JFK or Bokassa.

I say we open Twitter accounts for Kim Jong Il and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad before it's too late.

Fashion Week in Paris

2009-10-07T09:52:00.000-07:00

The only real consequence of Fashion Week for me is that I need to stay indoors more than is my habit (which is considerable). The last thing I need is to be seen in public by certain individuals who make a point of being larger than life. Mais, on se prend pour qui, eh ?

There is a more compelling reason, I must admit, to remaining close to the doorbell, so to speak. It is well known (at least by me) that Fashion Week brings more than an honest working man's fair share of attractive filles sympas to the neighborhood and, in my experience, sometimes the postman doesn't always ring twice (unlike Desespérée who has gone off somewhere in search of truth or her mojo to use her words). They are the models without whom Fashion Week would be an intolerable confluence of overwrought and overreaching egos that suck the oxygen out of the city leaving it to resemble a large bag filled with squirming appetites. That may be New York's chronic condition but Paris is another matter entirely, I can tell you.

And so it was I found myself last night tending the home fires and watching a DVD of L'Année dernière à Marienbad. It was one of the most amazing films I've ever watched. In every scene, the actors gave the impression of hanging about waiting for the director to remember to call "Action". The big surprise came in the middle of the second act when Vincent Price failed to make an appearance. At least one mystery was solved as I listened to the film score--I now know what became of the fellow who used to play the Wurlitzer at Dodger Stadium.

At about two in the morning, the "doorbell" started ringing and by four we had to call down for another batch of the Widow. Well done, Fashion Week!

David Letterman

2009-10-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

Robert Joel Halderman, a producer on "48 Hours", decided that, for the rest of his life, he no longer wanted to work for a living and therefore proceeded to blackmail David Letterman for two million dollars. All I can say is that the fellow must have some money put aside because two million would fall very short of seeing me through and I would require at least that much annually with sporadic cost-of-living increases.

The second thing that struck me in all of this is that Halderman was covering his action by pretending that he was offering a (one page) screenplay for sale to Letterman. For two million dollars and there is no mention of ancillary, sequel, spin-off or merchandising rights?! Where has this man been all his life?

Roman Polanski

2009-09-27T22:30:00.000-07:00

It's not your father's Switzerland. La Suisse est morte. Vive la Suisse !

Frédéric Beigbeder

2009-09-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

I have had it jusque là and I've decided to throw open the windows and curtains and let the darkness in! After a long and heated conversation with myself, I see that I've been contained here in my (junior) suite where d'un jour à l'autre, je deviens de plus en plus beau without the slightest discernible benefit to anyone other than people whose names I don't even know.

Frédéric Beigbeder said it well when he quoted Gide, “On ne fait pas de bonne littérature avec de bons sentiments” though I'm not sure how it applies here. Time will tell whether or not it does and whether or not Désespérée will decamp from my (junior) suite any time soon.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Walter Cronkite

2009-08-02T17:11:00.000-07:00

Word of Walter Cronkite's demise has somehow finally reached me in spite of my highly managed status of recluse, which was implemented for reasons I cannot really go into at the present time or at any other time, for that matter. America, if not the world, has lost its most trusted newsman.

While others have properly eulogized the giant of television reporting, I take hope in the notion that, perhaps, we'll never again have a television news reporter in whom we can trust. I see this as a positive development. At the very least, we should look at our TV anchors askance. More appropriately, we should give them the same respect and consideration we would extend to someone attempting to sell us time-shares in a leper colony.

Even the benighted Walter Cronkite is said to have been an asset of Operation Mockingbird, a secret C.I.A. campaign to influence domestic and foreign media back in the 1950s and beyond, thus functioning as a "reliable source out-going" in C.I.A. parlance. Oh my! Phil Graham went into the Hall of Fame with that recruitment.

W.C. Fields' sage counsel of "Never give a sucker an even break or wise up a chump", notwithstanding I feel it is time to pass the word. It is not too surprising to find that we are being played daily for suckers and seen as chumps by those in control. It does not mean that we must tolerate it. At the very least, we should stop encouraging it.

James Lovelock

2009-07-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

I am well known for being egregiously green with regard to matters that are peripheral to my main interests in life. Would that more of us could make that statement. This brings me to think of James Lovelock who has been up to no good promulgating a viewpoint with which absolutely nobody will be able to make a dime. According to Mr. Lovelock, author of "The Vanishing Face of Gaia", it is too late for the planet to go green to any good effect in the way it is too late for Ben Affleck to...well, you know.

The foundational assumption of "Green" is that the Earth is worth saving. I wonder if the truth of the matter is that we are actually trying to save ourselves, since the Earth will get along just fine without us after we are gone. How much of this is merely a manifestation of ego which postulates that the species that produced American Idol and The Real Housewives of New Jersey must, somehow, manage to survive to bring forth sequels and spin-offs of all sorts?

Perhaps the best way to save the planet is to get rid of all of us.

Sarah Palin

2009-07-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

In a televised address, President Richard M. Nixon announced his intention to become the first president in American history to resign. With impeachment proceedings underway regarding his involvement in the Watergate affair, Nixon reacted to pressure from the public and Congress to leave the White House. "By taking this action, I hope that I will have hastened the start of the process of healing which is so desperately needed in America."

This memorable event brought to mind another moment in time when an incumbent abandoned ship, though for reasons less clear. The DNC's Brad Woodhouse put it this way:

"Either Sarah Palin is leaving the people of Alaska high and dry to pursue her long shot national political ambitions or she simply can't handle the job now that her popularity has dimmed and oil revenues are down. Either way--her decision to abandon her post and the people of Alaska who elected her continues a pattern of bizarre behavior that more than anything else may explain the decision she made today."

My own reaction to Sarah Palin has habitually fallen into the Whiskey Tango Foxtrot range and this latest development is no different. Unless I was hallucinating, Sarah Palin likened her action to passing the ball for victory. This would make some sense if one were, indeed, passing the ball to Kobe. However, I don't see the correlation to dropping the ball in mid-court, hoping that the Lieutenant Governor--whose name nobody can cite--can recover it and declaring victory in the process. My failing in comprehension, no doubt, but it is forward-looking speculation at best to be forecasting victory in these circumstances. The American Idol phenomenon continues unabated.

Somewhat isolated as I am here in my (junior) suite, I have not yet been able to determine whether all this isn't just a Borat-style publicity stunt on the part of Tina Fey, which would put the whole event into a perspective that actually makes sense. Time will tell, I suppose.

Bill Maher's Real Time

2009-06-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, a friend sent me a link to a site where Meghan McCain's appearance on Bill Maher's Real Time was posted for viewing. It never ceases to amaze me the degree to which people are willing to express themselves when they know absolutely nothing about which they speak. Meghan's escape clause and justification for her self-contented ignorance--"I wasn't born then"--was appropriately countered by Paul Begala's retort that he knew of the French Revolution though he, as she, hadn't yet been born.

Meghan's most naked revelation came when she asserted that she hadn't come onto the show to look back but was there to talk about "my career". Reminds me of the inimitable Francis Urquhart's comment about "...a sack of squirming appetites."

Watching Meghan caused me to think of Christopher Hitchen's appraisal of Sarah Palin as a "...woman utterly unversed in any of the needful political discourses." Perhaps the party has found its new brand.

10 big banks get OK to repay $68 billion in bailout money

2009-06-09T16:11:00.000-07:00

According to the L.A. Times--and please don't ask me what I'm doing reading that newspaper when Le Figaro arrives at my (junior) suite even without my insistence--the Obama administration has announced it has given approval to 10 of the nation's largest banks to repay $68 billion in government bailout money which they had received to "stabilize the financial system".

Wish I could write like that!

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is quoted as saying, "These repayments are an encouraging sign of financial repair..." Elsewhere, a housewife told an interviewer, "The Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder really helped."

It's always good to hear good news..

La place de La comédie des quatre femmes

2009-06-02T15:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting at Les Deux Magots recovering from my recent torments experienced at Cannes--or rather on the way back from Cannes--an actress/co-conspirator sought me out to present me with a copy of La place de La comédie des quatre femmes by Marguerite de Navarre. And while the title refers to four women, it does not contemplate the old math problem of the seventies (How many times does one go into four?), but rather, it delves into celibacy as the path to happiness as opposed to being an end unto itself.

I have to admit to being nonplussed by her offering. Whether it was given as an intervention, a provocation or, perhaps, because there's a good part in it for her should I decide to adapt it for the screen, I cannot say. All I do know is that, after I accepted the gift, she accepted the card key to my (junior) suite and it is possible that her true intent will become clear as the evening progresses.

In the mean time, I suspect there exists a connection to Gabrielle Suchon's manifesto, Du célibat volontaire, though she most certainly formed her conclusions without the benefit of a Hollywood perspective, the 1700s being what they were.

Cannes Film Festival

2009-05-22T00:22:00.000-07:00

So, I'm back in my room at the Hôtel du Cap and, no, I did not manage to lay claim to one of the Eden Roc suites as I'd intended. I'm in the main building and, if I'm being totally honest, this isn't even a suite but a room most likely kept for the night custodian should he feel a need to catch forty winks, which is about what I'll get tonight from the look of things. And by the way, this is the last time I fly down on you-know-whose airplane. If I hear one more anecdote about working in a video store...

I fully intended to attend the screening of Inglourious Basterds, which figures to be the best or worst picture of the year depending on whether or not you think Kill Bill 2 was actually a compilation of deleted scenes from Kill Bill. I intended attending right up to the moment I traded my invitation, hall pass and tote bag for the keys to somebody's Maserati Quattroporte S and took off for the casino in Monaco in time to lose what cash I had on hand and then have dinner at the top of the Hôtel de Paris with a woman who looked like someone I didn't know. This fortunate pairing came about as a sudden, improvised solution to catching a glimpse of Désespérée emerging from a private room used by the casino security staff to search and contain belligerent guests and Third World tyrants who have been named in an indictment.

It all turned out for the best. After dinner, I managed a (junior) suite overlooking the harbor entrance into which the lady and I disappeared until long after check-out time. I feel a little guilty at having flown down only to miss the reason for my coming in the first place, however I will eventually see the film on DVD and, from what I hear, even those who attended the screening don't yet know if it's the best or worst film of the year.

Facebook

2009-05-12T17:41:00.000-07:00

Recently, though not a joiner, I was seduced by peer pressure, media manipulation and covert nighttime chemical spraying on the part of the government to register on Facebook. Like being a little bit pregnant, I am now a little bit a part of things there.

One of my first participatory actions was to respond to a questionnaire that was circulating asking everyone to list twenty-five things that people might not know about you. Had it asked me to sit around the campfire and sing folk songs, I would have refused categorically. However, this seemed a painless exercise and I duly listed twenty-five absolutely fascinating things about myself guaranteed to impress even those to whom I owe large sums of money. It succeeded beyond all expectation and made new Facebook friends for me whom I will likely never meet, but that's hardly the point, is it?

Now, some weeks later, someone forwarded to me their list of twenty-five which, as it happened, had my own list in the thread. Reading it again impressed upon me how self-serving these lists can be. Although everything I listed was true--and no doubt extraordinary in every possible way--it really should have been called "Twenty-five things you want everybody to know about you". In other words, there's a reason people don't know certain things about you for their own good as well as yours.

Just to test this, I'll be circulating a questionnaire that will ask everyone to create and post a list of twenty-five things you hope to Hell no one ever finds out about you. Let's see if we get any takers.

[famous name deleted]

2009-05-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

I spoke to [famous name deleted] on the phone today about his film project as a branded TV series using [proprietary information deleted] to provide the book-ending à la Rod Serling on Twilight Zone. He is quite excited about the idea and is going to call his writing partner to convey his enthusiasm about the proposition, which will, no doubt, kill the deal.

Anyone in Hollywood knows that when someone approaches expressing enthusiasm, they are up to no good (we are), that they intend to use your project for their own aggrandizement (we do) and, invariably, will steal away your baby and leave nothing at all for you (undoubtedly, we will). I will continue to monitor the situation.

I'm going to watch one of The Killers on DVD but haven't decided yet if it will be the Burt Lancaster or John Cassavetes version.

Berlusconi mariage: "Une histoire finie"

2009-05-05T16:50:00.000-07:00

According to my copy of Le Figaro today, Berlusconi has conceded defeat with regard to his marriage to Veronica Lario, which comes as no surprise to me inasmuch as the man utterly ignored my "What would Brad Pitt do?" advice and played it like an average Joe to ruinous results (depending on one's point of view). Berlusconi is quoted as saying that his marriage is, "...fini ou sur le point de finir" (though I suspect he actually said it in Italian).

Does this mean that the jolies filles, as described by Ms Lario in her denunciations, will now lose interest in the statesman or might their numbers swell, their natures becoming increasingly competitive in vying to become the new First Lady of Italy? I can only go by personal experience, but it must be said that I play by strict Hollywood rules and would advise Signor Berlusconi to double the size of his carnet d'adresses as quickly as he is able to do so--that is, if he doesn't continue to play the scene as average Joe (not to be mistaken for Joe the Plumber).

As one door closes, another slams open in your face and Berlusconi can expect that Veronica will accuse him of stealing her car (if personal experience is anything to go by) and that the rest of the world will be asking "Silvio, what took so long?"

It is nice to know that, even though the moguls of yesteryear are gone from the landscape, Hollywood still has all the answers. I would caution both parties to the marriage, however, that television in not Hollywood and that reality television is to be avoided at all costs even if the price to pay is reuniting.

Tea Bagging (sic)

2009-04-12T09:03:00.000-07:00

The latest daylight madness from the political world has reached my (junior) suite. In my more lucid moments, I am keenly interested in brand management strategies and naming is an important aspect of the application. Whether it is the naming of a collection of jewelry, an automobile or the latest derivative from Wall Street's best and brightest--I wonder if that is a registered trademark?--naming helps propel the product or offering into the consciousness of the marketplace.

Sometimes, naming is insultingly literal and obvious. Boneva purports to do something to bones. Operation Just Cause attempted to...oh, never mind. However, there are times when naming takes on an absurdity that defies any explanation and thus we come to the subject of today's dismay. The Republican leadership (sic) has formulated a plan to resuscitate a flat-lining body politic and have chosen tax protest as the strategy. So far, so good. Politicians of every stripe have gotten traction with this in the past. All that was needed was a name for the campaign. That should be simple--emphasis on should.

The Boston Tea Party provided a patriotic echo that would resonate the constituency and we are still on solid ground. Speed made good in sailing terms. But then someone, who shall remain nameless throughout, came up with a name for the campaign and its supporters: Tea Bagging and Tea Baggers. We're going to Tea Bag the White House!

How anyone let this get past the very first mention--let alone into the media as the definitive naming--is beyond me. It is tantamount to creating a campaign to encourage Whistle Blowers and naming it Blow Jobbing and Blow Jobbers. We're going to Blow Job government agencies!

Oh well, enough politics for one day.

Stockholm Syndrome

2009-03-14T08:55:00.000-07:00

My sponsor has noticed a growing trend amongst peer pressure victims and fear-biters world wide to join and clamber for "Green" causes so as to feel good about themselves and, additionally, promote their wares. Being aware, as they are, of my branding acumen and extensive history in psy-ops, they asked if a campaign couldn't be created that would immunize them against this sort of adverse propaganda and make the world a better place for their installations, which convert wholesale quantities of fresh water into sewage and spew an amount of particulates into the air sufficient to bring down a 747 should one attempt to fly through the semi-solid haze lingering above their many smokestacks scattered around the planet.

I suggested a campaign that positioned the Earth as a terrorist kidnapper holding mankind hostage and slowly killing us off one-by-one using the Stockholm Syndrome to explain why certain misguided individuals felt the need to browbeat the rest of us on the subject of ecology. They liked the idea very much and asked if I thought the message would carry. After a great deal of thought, I said that it would. All they need do is add a musical track that would appeal to fourteen year-olds in the background and their troubles will be over.

They wired the money straight into my account!

Unconditional love

2009-03-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

Unconditional love. Now that's an expression found on greeting cards and trinkets in souvenir shops around the world. It sounds great and makes the purveyor sound noble, but has anyone actually read the terms and conditions of "Unconditional Love"? You see, each section of law has its own set of definitions to be used in the context of the section. It harkens to what the definition of "is" is.

As best I can make out, unconditional love is that which one gives to oneself. Temporary, conditional and limited use love is what is offered to others. One of the first clues to this being true should be when it is is discovered that she (or he) is still undergoing couples therapy with the "ex" though purporting to offer "Unconditional Love" to you. This may seem obvious to most, but you'd be surprised to learn who missed that particular signal. Or maybe not.

These thoughts are provoked by the sudden re-appearance of the désespérée in the hotel lobby. True, she has shaved her head and was all but unrecognizable, but it was she. I had a momentary pang of longing for her; it didn't last, needless to say. But it was comforting to be able to recall that every word she uttered could be believed utterly. How nice that was!

The Mountain would like to come up, Monsieur.

2009-03-02T16:42:00.000-08:00

We seem to have returned to the natural order of things and the Mountain is once again coming to Mohammed. It was ever thus, but I confess I passed a moment where I was uncertain from whence my next Bentley Continental would be coming and this-that-and-the-other-thing seemed out of grasp. I'd heard that one should work hard, strive to do well, give full support to those we care about and live for your dreams. I followed these dictates to the letter, of course. What a total waste of time that was.

Hiding in the closet of my (junior) suite, I am being hounded by offers of all sorts as though the finer things in life are my due and that it was daylight madness to think that diligent, hard work in a good cause would gather them to me like so many cows around a feeding trough.

It might be said that I deserve these things because I am me. The sad part, though, is that some effort was actually involved in this return to normalcy. You see, it is hard work being me.

Lying, hiding, cheating, pretending...

2008-12-10T18:26:00.000-08:00

I recently learned (again) that man (or in this case, woman) is not equal to his rhetoric. Why should it be a surprise? Namaste, as it were.

Change we need

2008-09-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

Looks like they're back on track. Can she talk?

Al Qaeda

2008-08-31T23:08:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the war in Iraq, if in fact it is a war rather than a hostile occupation, and the oft-cited argument that we are fighting it over there so we don't have to fight it here--that is, 'here' in the U.S. and not in my (junior) suite. It sounds a good reasoning at first blush, especially if one has some potent meds onboard.

The reasoning requires one to believe that the enemies of the most powerful nation on Earth--I think we can still make that claim--will submissively engage our very capable fighting forces over there hitting our formidable and lethal war machine head-on simply because we've deployed in Iraq. In other words, it supposes that Al Qaeda reasons in the following fashion: The most deadly killing force on the planet has been sent to Iraq, let's take it on against all odds rather than to continue clandestine operations against a largely unprotected citizenship on U.S. soil.

It is good for our interests that Al Qaeda mindlessly attacks us at the point of our greatest strength. It is comforting to note that our enemies can be lured into attacking us at distant points merely because our armed forces are there. In the old days, enemies would prefer to attack where our forces were absent. Different times, different lies.

Paul Newman

2008-08-24T14:12:00.001-07:00

I remember watching Paul walk around with a can of Coors in his hand at Riverside Raceway during the filming of "Winning" thinking what a cool guy he was. Nothing has changed.

Shaky Leg Syndrome Conquered!

2008-08-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

From all observable indications, it can be said that the phenomenon of Shaky Leg Syndrome has been defeated and eliminated from the concerns of modern medical science. Along with the banishment of the restless, nervous twitching of the lower extremity comes the good news that the upper extremity has also ceased to twitch, react or show any discernable signs of agitation.

The most pertinent validation of this conclusion is the absence of a popular response to the discovery that the Department of Homeland Security now has the power to seize laptops and other electronic devices from travelers to the U.S.--including U.S. citizens--and they do not even need grounds to suspect wrongdoing. This is a tremendous medical advance as anyone who lived through the protest years related to Civil Rights and the war in Viet Nam can attest.

Though big pharma might take credit for this, much can be credited, I think, to the fact that truth has become a vestigial appendage to modern living. The only truth we've been told about Iraq is that we are there. That McCain and Obama content themselves to argue about whether or not the Surge was successful demonstrates their intent to limit and frame the debate around immaterial issues (Did that bandage on the finger successfully limit the blood flowing from the dying body?) and leave the truth to the imagination.

A cute article in today's New York Times attempted a serious discussion about the Nuremberg trials and the concentration camp at Gitmo failing to see that the point of Nuremberg was to uncover (to a degree) the truth while that of Gitmo is to contain it.

If Terry Southern were writing this script--and who can say that he isn't?--George Bush and his crack team of anti-Constitutionalists would end up in Gitmo for war crimes struggling in vain to get their statements on the record.

Rest in peace HST.

Earthquake warning

2008-08-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

This morning, I received the following email forwarded to me by a friend in Los Angeles:

Hello to all of you.

PLEASE I ask you all to get ready for a LARGE quake on the west coast.

I was almost blown away by this one that is coming so I know it will be BIG OVER 7.......

TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN!

Get water and supplies ready!!! TELL your friends.
I have a high accuracy rate. I felt the last one in Calf but was on the road and could not tell you.

I see a spot that is a little north east of Los Angeles.

THIS could be off but I tell you it is coming to the coast area from Mexico to Oregon.

BE PREPARED! I will send light.

Miriam

As you might expect, I took exception to the idiosyncratic punctuation and the arbitrary use of capital letters used by the writer to convey her hysteria and elevate her desperation to contagious levels.

Although I admire her concern, I've always had the view that it is easier to riot and loot after the fact of a natural disaster than to prepare and stock up on supplies and food stuffs that may have seemed appetizing at the time of purchase but fail to tempt the palate when push comes to shove.

In any event, I feel secure and well braced for any come-what-may here in my (junior) suite and wish the same for everyone regardless of the preparations they may deem necessary.

The new geopolitics

2008-07-21T18:55:00.000-07:00

John McCain says we have trouble along the Iraq-Pakistan border.

Can you say "dementia"?

André Dussollier

2008-07-06T09:22:00.000-07:00

Someone made mention of André Dussollier the other day whom I haven't encountered since I arrived in Paris for the first time so many years ago. I liked him immediately, as we sipped orange juice in his apartment, and what struck me about him was that he seemed to be a listener rather than a talker; something of a new experience for me coming, as I did, from "Hollywood". Thinking of him brought to mind the title of a film he was in: La vérité ou presque (The truth or almost).

As the days count down to the time we shall have to choose between McCain (CFR/R) and Obama (CFR/D), I, like many of us, am paying rapt attention to the truth that is being pumped into my (junior) suite thanks to the munificence of CNN and others whose mission in life is to pump us full--and then some. Sometimes it is obvious that le pompiste in question has been bought and paid for in the shabbiest of transactions so as to poison our minds and create the illusion of an issue. They do this so that the other info-pumpers will appear to be less obvious in their efforts to indoctrinate us by seeming to be impartial and giving the appearance of having journalistic ethics--something akin to Bigfoot; I've heard all about it but never seen it.

It is my experience that the truth must be discovered (per the Free Online Dictionary: dis·cov·er (d-skvr) tr.v. dis·cov·ered, dis·cov·er·ing, dis·cov·ers 1. To notice or learn, especially by making an effort). It doesn't find its way into your living room sponsored by large multi-nationals so that one can make an informed and unbiased opinion.

It is a well-known phenomenon that no one is guilty in prison; all inmates tend to profess innocence. And so it is with politicians. My response would be to deny power to any and all who seek it. That would solve most of the problems that plague us. For whatever is left over, I suggest a week in Tahiti as a definitive cure. Failing this kind of direct address to the problem, it would behoove us all to ignore the utterances of those engaged in this Punch & Judy show writ large. That McCain continually denies saying things that the video proves he said only days earlier should serve as confirmation that paying heed to his words is a losing proposition. Perhaps he is a pathological liar; maybe he has short and long term memory issues. In either event, we are ill-advised to take it all in.

Tim Russert

2008-06-14T13:14:00.001-07:00

One of the best.

Sgt. Merlin German

2008-05-02T09:59:00.001-07:00

Rest in peace.

Biliously Green

2008-04-27T12:43:00.000-07:00

I am as green as the next fellow. I have long since refrained from throwing trash from my car as I speed along. I have even stopped telling the joke about the factory worker who dropped his tuna sandwich in a vat of mercury thus contaminating an entire supply. I applaud those who compost though it is frowned upon here in my (junior) suite. I take pains to separate one thing from another when I find myself a guest in someone's chateau or country house. I, like the Dude, abide.

I have grown weary, however, of having to submit to lectures given by elitists flying around the world in their private jets on how I am ruining the planet. Surely there is a limit on how many tax exempt brow beatings we must endure. What I am saying is simply this: Can we not move along to the immediate imposition of a global carbon tax and skip the rest of the constituency preparation and softening up? That, surely, is the game plan after all is said and done. Then, as we did after the "oil crisis" of the mid-seventies, we can go back to our natural inclinations without further ado--much as we did.

I love the planet in spite of the fact that it has killed each and every one of my antecedents. The planet will go on killing us regardless of our efforts to befriend it. Can you say Stockholm syndrome?

Will the Yellow Dog Democrats outnumber the Yellow Cake Republicans?

2008-04-21T18:24:00.000-07:00

Keep in mind that all of the non-CFR candidates have been eliminated from the race.

Les frites bordel !

2008-04-01T20:25:00.000-07:00

It drives me crazy to read magazine interviews with Hollywood starlets. They all seem to take place in posh restaurants and they (the starlets) always order a salad, which is duly noted in the introduction to the interview. I can't remember the last time I took a starlet to lunch and she ordered a salad. Quite possibly, it has never happened, yet I must read these eyewitness accounts every time I open a magazine or newspaper.

When I go to lunch--with or without an interviewer--I order a filet mignon with frites and complement the occasion with a single malt scotch finishing with a flurry by brandishing one of my remaining Davidoff Havanas.

Here's to Thomas Dutronc!

Bosnia

2008-03-25T21:08:00.001-07:00

When Hillary Clinton "misspoke" in describing, in some detail, her harrowing experience that turned out not to have taken place in Bosnia, surely she must have been recalling another incident where snipers had her in their sites and she remembered it as having been in Bosnia. This is why her account was a "misspeak". Never in my life have I been obliged to duck sniper fire--running zigzag to avoid hostile fire--therefore, should I ever recount such a story to the public, it would not be a "misspeak" but a bald-faced lie or a delusional rant.

Now I'm wondering when it was that Hillary was subjected to sniper fire that she mistakenly recalled as Bosnia.

Bear Stearns

2008-03-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

In the spirit of, "Brownie, you are doing a heckuva job", President Bush praised the work of the Federal Reserve after it voted to endorse an arrangement to bolster the troubled Bear Stearns.

I feel good about things for the first time in quite awhile.

Bush vetoes bill to ban waterboarding

2008-03-09T21:15:00.000-07:00

Torture now has its official stamp of approval from the President. Gone are the days when Americans, pardon me, the United States can feel superior to other nations of the world and we can now openly lay claim to the basest instincts that we possess. Fans of irony will savor the fact that this endorsement for abusive tactics comes from a man who proclaims an abiding faith in God and the Bible. Don't our adversaries also proclaim an abiding faith in...Maybe it isn't irony at all.

My question is how this will impact on domestic abuse statutes assuming one claims that the assault was part of a marital interrogation. Inquiring minds want to know and if a husband or wife deems that enhanced techniques are called for...

At what age can we begin to instruct our youngsters in the application of enhanced interrogation techniques? Would it be appropriate for the Boy Scouts of America to create a merit badge for waterboarding? Perhaps the Girl Scouts could address the issue, as well.

President Bush lauds waterboarding as one of the 'valuable tools' to be employed in this era of 'valuable ethics'. Though I've heard that we had attained Mission Accomplished status quite some time ago, I realize that I am not one to judge. Actually, no one is in a position to judge; not unless they are ready to have their livelihood imperiled.

So, for the good of our continued ability to pay the mortgage, let's hear it for waterboarding!

Blood diamonds

2008-02-19T11:18:00.000-08:00

Every so often, someone comes to town knowing that I, like the Count of Monte Cristo, am imprisoned in my (junior) suite awaiting my destiny. On these occasions, I am called upon to venture out of the hotel (if they only knew what that entailed) and escort them to the better addresses in Paris, which often times are, in fact, the worst depending upon one's perceptions and inclinations.

Earlier today, I was accosted by a meteorically rising starlet with seven major flops to her credit (we have the same agent) interested in purchasing a diamond ring somewhere in the vicinity of the Place Vendôme. I agreed to the task on the promise from The Chad that my next multiple picture deal would not be cross-collateralized.

The joaillier saw right through my act in spite of the Patek Philippe on my wrist and affected not to recognize the actress, if I may use that term, whose beauty is of such an artificial nature that one is constantly surprised when she speaks.

Having selected exactly the right stone (a five karat yellow Princess-cut diamond) after only an hour and a half of viewing (during which she ordered in a snack from the Ritz), she attempted to get Françoise Hardy on the phone for an astrological opinion. Mercifully, Françoise was letting her calls go to voice mail.

About to finalize the transaction by handing over her black Amex, she let loose with, "This isn't a blood diamond, is it? That would be impossible." With a maximum of aplomb, the joaillier countered with, "As you wish, Madame, but it will be half the size for the same price." Thus ended further negative references to blood diamonds and we departed the store and each other; she in a state of short-term euphoria and I in search of a Bellini at the Ritz.

Interestingly, I've never heard anyone ask if they are getting blood gasoline at the pumps.

Graydon Carter

2008-01-13T16:05:00.000-08:00

Vanity Fair, February 2008, Office Politics, page 58. Ten for ten!

Syd Field's screenwriting paradigm

2007-12-29T02:17:00.000-08:00

For those familiar with Syd Field's screenwriting paradigm, we have arrived at Plot Point 1 with President George Bush and Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki signing the “Declaration of Principles for a Long-Term Relationship of Cooperation and Friendship”. There is now no turning back for the U.S. (protagonist) in Iraq and the first act has come to a close. The second act opens with the rising action of Ms Benazir Bhutto's assassination.

Had she won the upcoming election in Pakistan, the relative safe harbor provided al-Qaeda by President Pervez Musharraf would have been jeopardized as she had shown herself to be effective in dealing with them. The assassination ensures a continuation of the status quo. President Bush has spoken out for keeping the election on schedule, which ensures a Musharraf victory inasmuch as Ms Bhutto's party will be unlikely to replace her with a viable candidate in the coming days. This means that al-Qaeda can be counted on for actions that can be used to leverage further acts contributing to the rising action leading us to the Midpoint (aka Page 60), which is bound to be a corker.

The old Hollywood moguls couldn't have written it any better.

Notes on an aromatherapy card

2007-12-06T02:12:00.000-08:00

If the title of this entry has a vaguely familiar ring to it, perhaps you were a fan of Alan Malamud's Notes on a Scorecard column he wrote for the Los Angeles Herald Examiner beginning in 1974. As one read his columns, it was evident that Alan was first a man, then an enthusiast and finally a writer. The same, I think, could be said of Ernest Hemingway.

'Mud', as his friends called him provided perspective that I now find lacking. In a similar manner, Henry N. Manney III offered a sometimes whimsical and at other times savagely funny take on the European automotive scene for Road & Track magazine. He, too, was an owner of a Ferrari GTO and shared his unique wit on any number of his experiences ranging from a drive in an Alfa Romeo TZ1 to a trip to the Île du Levant. Denis Jenkinson did his reporting for Motor Sport magazine providing race coverage and his Letter from the Continent describing his adventures between races in his beloved E-type Jaguar.

These gentlemen were irreplaceable, which might explain why nobody has filled their shoes. The sort of commentary they provided, shaded and filtered by their distinctive personalities, has been replaced by more generic personalities involved in the redistribution of press releases.

I engaged in these somewhat nostalgic thoughts as I sat poolside in the hotel's sous-sol health spa reading from an aromatherapy menu while waiting for my massage and sipping the extraordinary cocktail of fruit juices they offer to anyone wearing a white robe and terrycloth slippers.

I felt I was on the cusp of some sort of understanding when my phone vibrated and it was Beigbeder. That conversation certainly put things into perspective.

Trouble at the mill

2007-10-31T08:05:00.000-07:00

The Chad's second assistant called me in the middle of the night with an urgent request for a series of potent one-liners the Chad could deliver during the course of an agency meeting scheduled for tomorrow. It sounds like there's trouble at the mill. Here are my suggestions:

Isn't it great that we could all be here today?

Let's make Q1 the beginning rather than the end.

Sometimes the hardest thing is to ignore the experts, but I see that we are managing it here today.

Would anyone here like to access my Monster.com account?

We can only hope this isn't an irreversible trend.

Let's not allow anything other than fear or common sense to deter us.

What we've got here is failure to communicate (with respects to Donn Pearce).

Did anyone bring doughnuts?

As the Captain of the Titanic said, "Steady as she goes."

Ferrari GTO

2007-10-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

I missed out on an extraordinary event this past week which occurred in Sonoma, California. Twenty-one of the entire production run of thirty-three Ferrari GTOs were brought together by Jean Berchon of Moët et Chandon celebrating the model's forty-fifth anniversary. It was an unusual gathering of cars valued at $18 million each in financial terms and of inestimable value in every other respect.

What has this got to do with life in a (junior) suite au septième étage? As it happens, I used to own one of the thirty-three. In fact, it served as my daily transportation for a number of years, which didn't deter me from entering informal racing events with it. Its three-litre V12 made noises that were primally exciting. Owning this car when I did was tantamount to having Brigitte Bardot as your girlfriend while you made your way from teenager to adult. It rather accelerated the process, you might say, and set very high standards indeed for the future.

I was speaking this morning with an old friend who used to own the famous Ferrari 'Breadvan'. Not too long ago, he was asked if he'd like to drive the car again. His answer was, "Only if I can crash it." Those who know Matthew understand full well the significance of his statement. It does tend to underscore the fact that current and future owners will never have the sort of experiences we enjoyed with these cars. Not that I wouldn't trade places with any of them!

Johnny Hallyday

2007-10-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

According to Le Figaro, Johnny Hallyday "will remain French". I wonder if I could try that.

L'Avocat de la terreur

2007-10-21T14:35:00.000-07:00

I watched with fascination Barbet Schroeder's documentary L'Avocat de la terreur (Terror's Advocate) which profiles the controversial French lawyer Jacques Vergès. His client list includes Djamila Bouhired, Pol Pot, Mao Zedong, Klaus Barbie, Illich Ramirez Sanchez (the Venezuelan who became known as Carlos the Jackal), Islamist terrorist Khaled Kelkal and Slobodan Milosevic. Asked if he would defend Hitler, Vergès answers, "I said I'd even defend Bush. But only if he would plead guilty."

As important as the declarations made in this document are, what is left unsaid to be read between the lines is monumental in its scope. Vergès' silences are as eloquent as his well-spoken clarifications. One wonders how Vergès managed to survive if he were merely a lawyer using his position and skills to advance or protect the causes that were dear to him. Such a man would make an obvious target for revenge or nullification, would he not?

As I watch Vergès and listen to his offerings, the last thing I take him to be is a hard-working attorney doing his best. What presents itself to me is a confident, extremely capable advocate who has been given carte blanche for the purpose of asset management on behalf of clients who cannot always intervene directly for fear of public exposure.

And as long as we are on the subject, I suggest to President Bush that there is no need, really, to keep all the Black Sites around the world shrouded in secrecy. I think it has been adequately demonstrated that the American public does not care about what is going on at these sites. There is precedent that could lead us to conclude that the public might even be interested in subscribing on a pay-per-view basis to be able to watch the torture occurring at these sites (see Rome, Ancient). These revenues could be used to offset the cost of "The War on Terror" while eliminating the need for costly arrangements intended to maintain the secrecy of Black Site activities.

Nicolas Sarkozy and Cécilia

2007-10-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Le Président Nicolas Sarkozy and Cécilia have made it official. Their divorce should not come as a surprise to any of us. After Sid and Nancy failed to make a go of it, what chance did the rest of us have?

I, for one, wish him well. I know the stress and strain of trying to please a disconsolate woman who cannot find satisfaction with the best things in life. I'm told the kitchen staff downstairs still recount the story of Désespérée sending back her morning coffee time and again along with primer notes on how it should be done. It is now part of the hotel's legacy to be passed on to each new member of the le service de la cuisine.

Vince McMahon & the WWE

2007-10-14T00:48:00.000-07:00

You've got to hand it to Vince McMahon and his World Wrestling Entertainment. He has created a brand that has grown in popularity and value beyond all expectation and serves as a lesson to us all what an enterprising individual can accomplish. His wrestling bouts feature characters created as icons that are alternatingly seductive and repugnant whose function is to keep the audience riled up, at odds with one another and in a frenzy over what is, in fact, a scripted outcome. I'm guessing he modeled the whole show after the Republicans and Democrats.

That our political system operates on the same basis as the WWE, with scripted controversies and purportedly adversarial parties, using icons that are alternatingly seductive and repugnant whose function is to keep the electorate riled up, at odds with one another and in a frenzy over what is, in fact, a scripted outcome is evident. Should there be the slightest doubt about this, notice how the Democrats have generously continued funding the war in Iraq, all the while denouncing it. They sound like "Stone Cold" Steve Austin railing against Tazz giving the appearance of an actual conflict.

It doesn't matter which of Vince McMahon's icons wins a match; it is always to the benefit of the WWE. In the same manner, the Republicans and Democrats offer us the opportunity, at every turn, to elect a candidate representative of the CFR. Yes, the Council on Foreign Relations and their clients have been well served by Republicans and Democrats alike.

Nobel peace prize to Al Gore

2007-10-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

On behalf of ACME Industrial Blast Furnaces (serving the batch furnace needs of the Third World), I would like to congratulate Al Gore on his Nobel peace prize and applaud his donation of the cash award to the Alliance for Climate Protection. In the same spirit, ACME Industrial Blast Furnaces (Pre-green technology for the rapid development of industrial interests in the Third World) has vowed to plant a symblic flower in the shipbreaking yards of Bangladesh.

Blackwater gets OK to resume Iraq duty

2007-09-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

Did anyone really think that the Iraqi government has anything to say about what goes on in Iraq? That'll teach 'em!

Blackwater

2007-09-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

Question of the day (week, month; choose one):

? is to Blackwater what Continental Air Services was to Air America?

Plus ça change...

Our new sponsor

2007-09-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

The less said the better.

PEP'S

2007-09-14T15:41:00.000-07:00

I ordered a walking stick. Not that I do a lot of walking, but sometimes I like to "put some stick about and make 'em jump" to quote the inimitable Francis Urquhart. With this in mind, it was obvious that something out of the ordinary was called for, which led me to the doorstep of PEP'S in le Passage de l'Ancre in the third arrondissement.

The proprietor, Thierry Millet by name, is what the French refer to as un Monsieur, a gentleman let us say, who appreciates things done properly and with all due elegance. This shows in the way he speaks with well chosen words (recalling Philippe Noiret) and in the way he crafts repairs to the umbrellas that are his specialty. He took my order for a cane that Fred Astaire would have felt at ease with as a prop, but not before taking my measure both literally and figuratively. We spoke at length about a number of subjects, most unrelated to the purpose of my visit.

He demonstrated a superior intellect, an engaging sense of humor and a respectful curiosity; all that one would hope for in a friend but seldom finds in a casual exchange. The hour spent in his shop transcended the mere act of a retail purchase and served to remind me why I love living in Paris.

Merci M. Millet !

U.K. NATIONAL LOTTERY

2007-09-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

PO Box 1010 Liverpool L70 1NL United Kingdom.

Ref: XYC /26500460037/08

Batch: 74/00319/IPD

BONUS LOTTERY PROMOTION PRIZE AWARDS WINNING NOTIFICATION

This is to inform you that you have been selected for a cash prize of £2,532,137 (Two million, Five hundred and Thirty Two Thousand, One Hundred and Thirty Seven pounds sterling) held on the 3rd of September 2007.The selection process was carried out through random selection in our computerized email selection system(ess) from a database of over 25,000

Email addresses drawn from which you were selected. Your e-mail address emerged as one of the lucky winners in the category \\\"A\\\" with the following

Winning information:

Agent Name: Smith Stanford

Email: uklottoclaimsdepartment07@yahoo.co.uk

Phone: +44-701-115-0452

Fax:+44-707-500-4840

Fill the below:

1. Name: Ray D. Shosay.

2. Address: Hotel Georges V, Paris, France.

3. Marital Status: Unconvinced.

4. Occupation: Screenwriter extraordinaire/Price gouger.

5. Age: Dark.

6. Sex: Thank you, yes.

7. Nationality: Worldly, if itinerant.

8. Country of Residence: Well,as you may recall...

9. Telephone Number: Only five people have my phone number and three of them are me.

MODE OF PAYMENT

1: certified cheque issued in your name couriered to you.

I don't like strangers appearing at my door. Post traumatic shock, you might say, as a result of certain mis-adventures with Désespérée, not to mention the broken window.

2: Bank to Bank wire transfer.

Must you use banks? They're all in it together!

Once again congratulations...

Cordially,

Sir George Arisson

Online Co-ordinator

U.K NATIONAL LOTTERY

"Connivers, Back-Stabbers and Fear-Biters"

2007-09-04T16:20:00.000-07:00

I have just about completed my new novel "Connivers, Back-Stabbers and Fear-Biters" which is an appreciation of my inner circle and how they helped put me where I am today. In anticipation of its release, I have asked the hotel staff to research the history of my (junior) suite to discover if any grand figure(s) from the literary world ever passed away, succumbed or gave up the ghost within its confines. In the event they find even one such person who has done so, I have prepared invitations to the major television interviewers that they might put questions to me on the subject of the book as I sit in the bathtub.

If any of the above registers, you truly are intègralement branché, an insider's insider. Chapeau !

Quotes

2007-08-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
Groucho Marx

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
Harry S. Truman

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The smartest thing to do is pull it [Building 7, World Trade Center], uh, they made that decision to pull and we then we watched the building collapse.
Larry Silverstein (owner, World Trade Center on September 11, 2001), PBS Special 'America Rebuilds'

We were told the World Trade Center was going to collapse...
Rudolph Giuliani to Peter Jennings, ABC News

Precipitous withdrawal

2007-08-23T10:46:00.001-07:00

I was reflecting on President Bush's statements about the disastrous consequences of precipitous withdrawal. I was having these thoughts whilst entertaining a fille sympa, so his comments were particularly relevant and I could not but agree with the President on this issue. Once an incursion is successfully implemented, there is a natural--and compelling--instinct that drives one to the logical conclusion of the act; a primal imperative, one might say. I felt this in a very profound way last night, which led me to ignore the nay-saying voices in my head urging a precipitous withdrawal. I now have a greater understanding of our President. I see how a precipitous withdrawal might well have resulted in a catastrophic effect on future relations with said party. I stayed the course, as the President advocates, and withdrew only after my resources were exhausted and there was no more to be done.

President Bush lost me, however, when he tried to make the point that we effected a precipitous withdrawal in Vietnam. According to my calculations, we haven't suffered a single casualty there in thirty-two years. Possibly, we didn't get out soon enough. Perhaps, one could say, we had no business being there in the first place.

Perfume

2007-08-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Saw the movie Perfume last night. I knew we were in for something extraordinary when the director CG'd the camera right up the nostril of the protagonist in the opening credits as though declaring that this would be a literal interpretation rather than a nuanced, conceptual rendering of the story. Tom Tykwer was going to play it 'on the nose', so to speak.

In this beautifully photographed film, we have the pleasure of playing Twenty Questions with Dustin Hoffman's character as we strive to guess exactly what accent he is delivering with his performance. The closest I could come was a cross between Boris Badenov and Homer Simpson. The joy wasn't in watching a fine actor struggle with a difficult accent, as no effort was discernable. Rather, the pleasure came from watching a highly paid actor deliver n'importe quoi as a commentary, perhaps, on the rest of the film.

I would love to see what Patrice Leconte would have done with this exceptional novel from Patrick Süskind with Vincent Cassel as Mr. Frog.

Cary Grant

2007-08-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

I was talking cinema with a stranger in the bar downstairs and the subject of Cary Grant came up. My new found friend bemoaned the fact that no one had ever taken Cary's place in the movie world and, inasmuch as my doctor has forbidden me to watch any more Ben Affleck movies, I was in complete agreement with him. I grew up watching Steve McQueen, Richard Boone, Lee Marvin and James Coburn. How can I possibly find any interest in Matt Damon, Ethan Hawke, Jake Gyllenhaal or Mark Wahlberg?

Between the two of us, we concluded that the charm exuded by Cary Grant is no longer a valued commodity in today's society. Charm is wasted on the prostitutionalized women of this era and what need of seduction when the lady in question is listening to "Back that ass up!", the signature lyrics of our time, on her iPod?

Le charme est mort. Viva le charme !

Condoleezza Rice

2007-08-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

It has reached my ears that Condoleezza Rice has announced that the Surge is starting to work. What exactly it is accomplishing was not specified. Nevertheless, I found the news heartening. When the Intelligence community organizes an overthrow, whether overt or covert, they like to control and orchestrate both sides of the conflict so as to ensure the desired result and thus it was with Iraq. The U.S. marshaled the Coalition of the Totally Willing and the Saudis their al-Qaida proxies. The end result was a slam dunk and the pronouncement of "Mission Accomplished" was given in good faith under the circumstances as they were perceived by the controlling forces at the time.

Of course, they forgot to take the Iraqis into consideration; probably because there aren't any. What we thought of as Iraqis were actually inmates in a macrocosm of Gitmo with Saddam as the warden. When we freed the prisoners, it was quite natural that they no longer thought of themselves as a collective, but as warring factions with mutually exclusive imperatives. When they hear us talk of democracy for the Iraqis, there isn't a dry seat in the house. The resulting civil war was inevitable and "all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again." I doubt that we shall obtain a better result than they did.

Giovanni Volpi

2007-07-22T20:44:00.000-07:00

My favorite time of year in Venice is January when it is grey and cool and relatively empty. I have been going there for years, usually timed to my attendance at the Gran Premio d'Italia at Monza. But when I can, I prefer to visit in quieter times when I can engage in chance encounters and off-the-record conversations with people who can afford to tell me the truth because I am a complete stranger.

When I first heard the name Volpi, it was associated with a racing endeavor and a unique example of a Ferrari that had been made over by the designer of the most famous racing Ferrari ever. At Volpi's request, the designer went Ferrari one better. The creation would become known as the Breadvan, which was owned for several years by a close friend of mine.

The next time Volpi's name reached my ears was from Tony Ford of the William Morris Agency in Beverly Hills. His off-hand comment was that they hold the Venice Film Festival in his (Volpi's) house; grandiloquent paraphrasing, I think you'll agree.

More recently, I read John Berendt's The City of Falling Angels, which I'd hoped would go on forever. Volpi made an appearance. He appeared again later in the book making a gesture that usually only happens in fiction.

Perhaps I like Venice in the cool of January because I've spent too much time in the desert making movies in one hundred twenty degree heat. Perhaps it's because I might, God willing, run into Volpi and enjoy what would promise to be a grown-up discussion of the world and my favorite city.

It is also possible that my thoughts are going in this direction having heard a message from Désespérée on the hotel voicemail. She has hooked up with a Nigerian funk band and wants my help to launch them in the States--something my post-Bop frame of mind precludes on general principles.

Patek Philippe

2007-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

"Who's this?" asked the voice on the other end of the line after the phone rang in my (junior) suite.

"I am the gentleman who answered your call this end. Who may I say is calling?"

"I need to speak to Ray Shosay," he said, ignoring my question.

"Then you have succeeded beyond all expectation."

"What?"

"Who are you and why are you calling?"

"Who am I? I'm a fact checker for an entertainment journalist."

"My dear fellow, it is well established that journalists never check facts and the existence of entertainment journalists has yet to be proven out."

"What?"

"Your credibility is lacking," I told him.

"I'm a fact checker for an entertainment journalist," he repeated, returning to what he considered to be solid ground.

"I think there's an echo on this line. Could you please hang up and try again?"

I disconnected the line and turned my attention back to the representative from the Patek Philippe Salons at Place Vendôme who had come to deliver my new 5004J chronograph and to explain in detail its many complications, which include rattrapante split seconds and moon phase functions. He, it goes without saying, knew how to introduce himself when he rang my room from the lobby.

The Spielberg Ending

2007-07-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with The Chad and I'm exhausted. He was giving me his notes on a screenplay I recently turned in and they were as extensive in their detail as they were shallow in their understanding of the writing process.

The story is about a young man who recently signed with the agency and is in urgent need of a vehicle to rehabilitate his image now encumbered by public antipathy resulting from a number of his shenanigans, some of which had Class 3 Felony overtones. Since I am being packaged along with this extraordinary example of humankind in the project as it is presented to the studio, I am now in the same boat as he.

Without going into detail, The Chad managed to cite the titles of no less than thirty-five films from which he expects me to insinuate plot elements, character devices and, in one instance, the entire second act. He also insisted I create a Spielberg Ending for the story. He was shocked to find that I'd never heard of such a device; perhaps pleased as well, for he'll no doubt use it against me at some crucial point in the future.

"A Spielberg Ending," he explained to the Babe-in-the-Woods he takes me to be, "is where you keep on filming about forty minutes into the sequel instead of ending off at the close of the third act."

"You mean like he did in Artificial Intelligence?"

This caught The Chad off guard. He muttered an affirmative and continued with his discourse. "The audience needs to yearn for the ending, but you can't give it to them too soon. You have to keep going until their tolerance has been stretched to the absolute limit."

"Why?" I asked.

"So you'll get applause over the end credit roll," he said, once again certain of his superiority. "They'll be so jazzed about being released from the theater they'll erupt in spontaneous applause."

"Why don't they just walk out when they've had enough. That's what I do."

At that point, The Chad lost the cell signal as he descended into Beverly Glen. Or maybe he just hung up on me.

Support the troops!

2007-06-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

As it is, we're killing them with kindness.

Veuve Clicquot tonight!

2007-06-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

The day begins well!

FROM:MR. JUBRIL TANKO
AFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK (ADB)

The African Development Bank is a regional multilateral development bank, engaged in promoting debt in its region. I wonder who and what the AFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK is--or if it is.

ACCOUNTS & AUDITING DEPT
OUAGADOUGOU-BURKINA FASO.
WEST AFRICA

GOOD DAY FRIEND,

We can all use good friends, especially if what I've been hearing about a few of mine turns out to be true.

IT WILL BE A SURPRISE FOR YOU TO RECEIVE THIS MAIL. WELCOME THIS LETTER IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD.

Please consider it done.

I AM MR JUBRIL TANKO,THE DIRECTOR OF THE ACCOUNTS & AUDITING DEPT.AT THE AFRICAN DEVELOPEMENT BANK OUAGADOUGOU-WEST AFRICA.

Yes, I Googled your name and, indeed, you are in need of some 'good friends'.

WITH DUE RESPECT I HAVE DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU ON A BUSINESS TRANSACTION THAT WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US.

Business transactions that will be beneficial to both parties are like Big Foot; I've heard tell of them but never seen one.

AT THE BANK'S LAST ACCOUNTS/AUDITING EVALUATIONS,MY STAFFS CAME ACROSS AN OLD ACCOUNT WHICH WAS BEING MAINTAINED BY A FOREIGN CLIENT WHO WE LEARNT WAS AMONG THE DECEASED PASSENGERS OF AN AIRLINE CRASH ON NOV. 2002 .

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at that meeting.

SINCE THE DECEASED WAS UNABLE TO RUN THIS ACCOUNT SINCE HIS DEATH.THE ACCOUNT HAS REMAINED DORMANT WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF HIS FAMILY SINCE IT WAS PUT IN A SAFE DEPOSIT ACCOUNT IN THE BANK FOR FUTURE INVESTMENT BY THE CLIENT.

I suggest you do what Wells Fargo Bank did to one of my accounts, which is to say, service charge it out of existence.

SINCE HIS DEMISE,NOBODY,NOT EVEN THE MEMBERS OF HIS FAMILY HAVE APPLIED FOR CLAIMS OVER THIS FUND AND IT HAS BEEN IN THE SAFE DEPOSIT ACCOUNT UNTIL WE DISCOVERED THAT IT CANNOT BE CLAIMED SINCE OUR CLIENT IS A FOREIGN NATIONAL AND WE ARE SURE THAT HE HAS NO NEXT OF KIN HERE TO FILE CLAIMS OVER THE MONEY.

Next of kin is a highly overrated status, I'm sure you will agree.

AS THE DIRECTOR OF THE DEPT,THIS DISCOVERY WAS BROUGHT TO MY OFFICE SO AS TO DECIDE WHAT IS TO BE DONE.WITH THE FEW PERSONEL IN MY DEPT,WE DECIDED TO SEEK WAYS THROUGH WHICH TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY OUT OF THE BANK AND OUT OF THE COUNTRY TOO.

Perhaps there's a way to get it off of the planet as well.

THE TOTAL AMOUNT IN THE ACCOUNTS IS TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS(USD 10.5M).WITH OUR POSITIONS AS STAFFS OF THE BANK,WE ARE HANDICAPPED BECAUSE WE CANNOT OPERATE FOREIGN ACCOUNTS AND CANNOT LAY BONAFIDE CLAIM OVER THIS MONEY.

That's never been known to inhibit an enterprising banker in the past.

THE CLIENT IS A FOREIGN NATIONAL AND YOU WILL ONLY BE ASKED TO ACT AS HIS NEXT OF KIN AND I WILL SUPPLY YOU WITH ALL THE NECESSARY INFORMATIONS AND BANK DATA TO ASSIST YOU IN BEING ABLE TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO ANY BANK OF YOUR CHOICE WHERE THIS MONEY COULD BE TRANSFERED INTO.

First of all, I am a writer and not an actor. Therefore, acting the part of anything or anyone is entirely out of the question. Secondly, I have cut all family ties and am loathe to create new ones at this time.

I AND MY PARTNERS HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE AWAY FOURTY %(40%)TO YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND TEN (10%) FOR ANY EXPENSES THAT MIGHT ARISE DURING THE TRANSACTION OF THIS TRANSFER.

I'm sorry to inform you that I would require eighty-five percent (85%) of the un-adjusted gross amount plus outright ownership of all ancilliary rights including but not limited to literary, theatrical, DVD, electronic transmissions of all sorts and other applications not even imagined at this time. You can work out the fine points with The Chad as he becomes available.

WE WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS ABSOLUTELY RISK FREE SINCE WE WORK IN THIS BANK WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD BE CONFIDENT IN THE SUCCESS OF THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE YOU WILL BE UPDATED WITH INFORMATION AS AT WHEN DESIRED.

My father advised me that the first rule of business is as follows: If you look around the room and don't see a sucker, you're it. Be assured that I am assured.

WE WILL PLEASE WISH YOU KEEP THIS TRANSACTION SECRET AS WE ARE HOPING TO RETIRE WITH OUR SHARE OF THIS MONEY AT THE END OF TRANSACTION WHICH WILL BE WHEN THIS MONEY IS SAFELY IN YOUR ACCOUNT.

I hope that your hope sustains you, for you sure as Hell won't be able to count on me.

WE WILL THEN COME OVER TO YOUR COUNTRY FOR SHARING ACCORDING TO THE PREVIOUSLY AGREED PERCENTAGES.

Homeland Security might have something to say about that.

YOU MIGHT EVEN HAVE TO ADVISE US ON POSSIBILITIES OF INVESTMENT IN YOUR COUNTRY OR ELSEWHERE OF OUR CHOICE.MAY GOD HELP YOU TO HELP US TO A RESTIVE RETIREMENT.

A restive retirement? Jeepers!

AMEN.

Back at you.

PLEASE FOR FURTHER INFORMATIONS AND ENQUIRIES FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME THROUGH MY EMAIL ADDRESS

My dear fellow, how very kind of you!

I AM AWAITING FOR YOUR URGENT RESPONSE!!!

I confess that my urgent responses are taking me in another direction at the moment. A fille sympa whom I met at Fuchs in St. Tropez just called to say she is in Paris.

THANKS AND REMAIN BLESSED.

You are welcome and please believe I am doing all in my power to remain, as you say, blessed. I've restocked the mini bar with an ample supply of the Widow and have reserved a table for dinner downstairs where an honest working man can still enjoy a meal for under a thousand Euros.

MR JUBRIL TANKO.

Ray D. Sosay

Post-Traumatic Stress

2007-06-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I am now attempting to recover from an extreme case of ego and sun stroke; a potentially lethal combination if ever there was one. I was at Cannes where I fell victim to the aforementioned malady. I don't know if there were more people at the Festival this year or if the egos have gotten bigger. All I know is there seemed to be less space in which to maneuver.

My own ego was re-sized when Sophie Marceau failed to recognize me as I deplaned the studio's GV at Nice. It regained its full proportion when I found that my room was ready and waiting at the Hotel du Cap. Next year I think I should ask for one of the Eden Roc suites; it's a long walk to the water otherwise.

The highlight of this year's Festival was Roman Polanski's early departure from his own press conference accusing the journalists of asking questions pauvres. I wish just once I could do that.

To recover from the stress and tension that is the Festival, I spent a few days on the balcony of the Sube in St. Tropez where I rediscovered the Tarte Tropézienne--as close to Heaven as I'm likely to get! As a change of pace, I then took in the gypsy convention at Ste. Maries-de-la-Mer where gypsies the world over gather to pickpocket everyone within arm's reach and no longer feel it necessary to sport colorful and engaging costumes in order to do so. Their parade looked like the exit of the Métro at Barbès-Rochechouart during a bomb scare.

Paul Wolfowitz

2007-05-16T14:16:00.000-07:00

The Bush administration's signature branded concept of 'Mission Failure' is carried forward by Paul Wolfowitz who, in his own words, promoted his girlfriend to a higher paying job so as to avoid a conflict of interest. It's along the same line as killing our children in Iraq so as to avoid--killing. The branded concept of despicable acts rationalized by nonsensical logic has been fully integrated and advertising agencies the world over can only hope to do as well for their clients.

A new sub-category of Bush product has been recently introduced bearing the name 'Golden Nuggets', which asserts accomplishment in the face of complete inadequacy. Naming is everything as any advertising executive will testify; under oath, unlike certain folks.

The latest news from Hollywood

2007-05-15T02:24:00.000-07:00

It appears that Johnny will not be returning to France as a consequence of Sarkosy's election. The flip-side of that coin is that neither has anyone announced their departure as a result of Sarkozy's ascension.

When Johnny comes marching home

2007-05-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Johnny Hallyday is coming home. Apparently, he no longer wants to hole up in Switzerland to wait for Belgian citizenship so he can live in Monaco now that Nicolas Sarkozy has triumphed in the election. For my part, I don't know why anyone would ever want to leave France no matter the reason. Everyone I've known who did were forever trying to recreate the France they left behind in whatever corner of the world they matriculated into. It simply cannot be done.

I do miss The Little Door, however.