Saturday, October 29, 2011

Occupy Wall Street

URGENT: Immediate reply requested

Mr. Shosay,

In the event that news stories concerning certain radical and disconnected groups which inexplicably have been receiving an inordinate amount of attention should cause an antipathy towards this institution and banking resulting in falling share prices and/or regulatory/legal action against us, we are asking for your suggestions on re-branding our institution and products as a per-emptive measure.

Money is no object but time is of the essence.

[name deleted]
[corporate name deleted]

[name deleted]
[corporate name deleted]

Dear Mr. [name deleted]:

Thank you for the direct deposit into my account pursuant to our phone conversation. The following are my suggestions.

Slogan: Debt is the new wealth!

Institutional re-brand: Debt Distribution Center (replacing the nomenclature "bank")

Customer admonition: If you can live on what you earn, you aren't in America! (Any country can be substituted as necessary)

Per your concerns regarding terms and conditions and disclosure statements, I see no need to obscure them further as it is my observation that your customers do not read them or understand the significance of the language presented therein nor their voluntary abrogation of rights or they never would have signed them. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

I would encourage you to order the politicians on your payroll to implement new programs to keep your customers in debt to you. The current crop of 'Keep you in your home' offerings aren't performing to expectation and many mortgage holders are walking away leaving you with no leverage over them.

Increase your advertising on television--especially shows that feature a laugh track (increased hypnotic quotient) or any reality TV format show.

Demand that politicians on your payroll cease and desist from extolling the rights of people in Egypt, Libya and other countries to protest. This raises awkward questions as to why they are not supporting the protests of those in America speaking against you and your industry.

Best regards,
Ray D Shosay